Journey to the Centre of the Earth-3D

This city makes you tired. I don't know if it's the weather or the pollution or the fact that I have not stopped drinking for 3 weeks but I'm always mentally and physically exhausted by about 8. My eyes sting ALL the time. I'm starting to see things. Wisps of smoke in the corner of my Vision. Ghosts?
After 8pm I go into a dream state. The drinking does not help. I have drunk so much here. Gallons of beers,rum,whiskey. After 8 pm madness wins. Evry Tuk-tuk drivers morphs in my mind into deformed citizens of another dimension determined to drive me to the pits of hell. There I would imagine they would sit me in front of a screen showing the lowlights of this trip for eternity.

Like Dreamworld.
The only person for who this world is a dream would be the owner I imagine. He probably has cameras everywhere and touches himself as people walk through the gate. Sadist. He gets some kind of sick joy out of watching grown men make fools of themselves on the "Bump-m-Boats". They go a 1/100th of normal walking speed, so no one get to move very much let alone bump. They just kinda of float about a metre from their original position until some angry Thai attendant yells at them to come back. And then there is the water ride where he has been so blatant about his disrespect for the idiots that go there that he has actually designed a plastic goat the pisses water on you as you go down. He is a sick sick man no doubt.

Or maybe they would show footage of the millions of backpackers that I've have seen a wanted to kill yelling obscenities at me in there stoopid accents. For some reason in Thailand my reaction to hearing a non-Thai accent is to stick fork in my eyes. 99% percent are disgusting scum that should be eradicated or put into camps where they can make hippy bags or do fire twirling or where stupid slogan t-shirts or be aggressive cunts or any other bullshit. I don't mind if they live just lock them up some where NOW. This has gone on too long and the Thai people deserve better.

Because they are good good people . I can tell. When I'm not Hallucinating.
I one day wish to have a conversation with one. If they even exist.

Tell Jørn I love him : Imagined correspondence to relatives of an actual real person I spoke to in a club the other night(I Shit you not)

Hello Erik

How are you old friend? How are Kristoffer and Jørn? I miss all you so much. How we used to chase whales all through the days and at night. Oh the nights. The marvelous evenings where we would cover ourselves in whale entrails and dance around the ship like our Viking ancestors. Oh what wondrous adventures we had....
Bangkok is dirty whoreish city. It is so dirty and sexy. Oh my god!! You would not believe Erik what I have been up too. Women here are like clay in my shoulder blades. No kids!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
My hair plugs are going OK . As you know they are cheaper here. Soon I will have a head full of hair like uncle Jostein. Remember how he dressed like a mermaid that one (Insert Norwegian Holiday Here) . HAHAHAHA.
At first I felt a little embarrassed having a shining white head as many people that are here in Khoa san road have travelled very far and are brown like Michael Jordan. As you know I do not have the ability to get any darker at all no matter what elements I have been exposed to. So while not technically an albino and my skin looks like first snows in Bergen. Only with red splotches. And I am seven foot tall which makes it very hard to go unnoticed.
But not too worry Erik I have found a solution. I have bought a doo-rag with skulls and crossbones on them so now I blend in. I wear them too the clubs and dance like Knut did at Sindre's wedding. He looked like a slept on raincoat after that. Remember?
Also as you know there are many sexy ladies here in Bangkok. Oh yes you pay them very few Baht and they sleep with you. So i am trolling around trying to sleep with as many prostitutes as possible. So my sex tourism and my hair plugs are going very smoothly thank you very much.
These are the only reasons I came to Bangkok. I don't really like the people(mainly because they are Asian. Although I am still quite happy to have sex with them which even I must admit is odd)and it smells. Why should I hide this from anyone?
In fact just the other night I was in a nightclub and I told this man from Melbourne Named Damian about all off this.
He laughed like it was something funny.
So what if i am a , almost albino,racist,sexist, giant fisherman from Norway that came to Bangkok to get hair plugs and wears a doo-rag with skulls and crossbones . As Nils always says it take all sorts.
Anyway tell the boys and bathe in the sweet blubber of baby whales until my arrival . And tell Sigurd not to start the snowman without me. I will probably want to have sex with that also as I am so gross.

Good Sailing

Love

Olav

Many stories to tell. Can not think. Am Paranoid.Reason Below.

Mojito
This classic Cuban cocktail became popular in the early 20th century. Ernest Hemingway is said to have been a big fan.
Add this is to disable dropcap in article body text
The Ingredients:

* 2 tsp. superfine or simple sugar
* 3 sprigs fresh mint (or to taste)
* 2 tbsp. lime juice
* 1.5 oz light rum
* ¼ cup club soda
* Lime for garnish

Put sugar, mint, lime juice and rum in a cocktail shaker. Use a spoon or a pestle to crush sugar and mint into the rum. Add ice and shake. Serve over ice with club soda. Garnish with a lime.

Bears in a Post Nuclear Era

Dusit Zoo begins as mind scarringly depressing and slowly progresses to "at least it's not the bears".
The Bears have gotten past the point of been simply sad and progressed into this catatonic state of intense sadness. I
t's like they have been fed funerals and babies tears all their life.
They lie there covering their eyes occasionally looking up to see if anybody has dropped any razor blades or hangman's ropes into the the enclosure.
That's another thing. I don't know much about these bears, but I'm pretty sure their natural habitat was not London after "The Blitz". Broken concrete and glass litters the ground and the "waterfall" consist of what seem to be a faulty tap.
It's cruel you might say.
I thought so also. Until I realised it was ART. Yes ART my old friends. It's Making a POINT.
You see the next "Exhibition" consisted of a World war 2 bomb shelter. Not an animal enclosure that looked like like a WW2 bomb shelter, but an actuall WW2 bomb shelter with a sad little Thai statue family inside. Waiting for the Big One.
In a Zoo?
So then it all made sense. Dusit Zoo is not a a ZOO at all, silly! It's a giant ART instillation with a profound Message.
Basically Dusit Zoo shows one possible future for our a our depraved race.
Animals have taken over the city centres and now live in the squalid remains of our shops, school and factories.
They are literally devouring our Culture while we live in tiny boxes under the ground.

It about the adaptability of animals and human fear.

You might not get it because it is so deep but It may be the most uplifting thing I have ever seen.
I came out of there like a giddy schoolgirl.
The animals of Dusit Zoo will one day take over the earth and for the time been there are a couple of hundred creatures having a worse time in Bangkok than I am.
Yes!!!

Clinically Deppressed

I know I've been coming on all paranoid/whiny/angry(sorry Derrick) of late so to balance that out here are my Thai turn on's:
The King- If your going to have pictures of one dude everywhere you could do a lot worse than this fellow. Very dapper and rumour has it he was quite a playboy in his past. Player!!!
Straws- With every drink you will buy in Thailand you will receive one of these . They come in different sizes depending on the drink. The Thai people have too much respect for themselves to put their naked mouth directly on a bottle. Lesson Learnt.
Scooter Daring- This is incredible. Sometimes you will get two babies ,five women and a small elephant on one of these zooming through traffic. It is the bravest most terrifying thing I have ever seen.
Uniforms- Confusing but amazing . Everyone wears one. Car park attendants look like Policemen and Policemen look like butlers and nurse look like bell hops. And they all carry guns.
Door Staff at my Hotel- Many people would see these women as rude. They ignore you for about fifteen minutes then yell orders at you that you can't understand. I know their game though. They are testing me. I intend to pass. Maybe we will all hug at the end of this ordeal.
Tuk-Tuk hustlers- I know they can get annoying but there is something charming about their lazy brand of con. They Stand around a laugh at everybody and fall asleep in their machines for hours.
Siam Square+Malls- This city ids dirty and loud but these westernised sections of Bangkok act as palette cleansers. Relax in the air conditioned glow of commerce.Ahhhhhhhh.
Obscure Street food- I find the best gear is found in the dirtiest alley way next too a mechanic and a rag place. They are often reluctant to serve me and when they do they will not let me eat with the other customers. Not even a chair is offered. I have to stand outside with my plate. But it's so worth it.

So you see it not so bad after all. Long Live the King.

Open Letter to Derrick Carter

Dear Derrick Carter

Thanks for missing your plane dude. That was real nice of you.
Oh, don't worry about me. I had heaps of fun.
It was the first night I decided to really let my hair down in Bangkok and I saw you where playing. I used to listen to you a lot when I was younger and I wanted to see what you where up too these days.
Apparently missing planes.
I sat at the makeshift bar at the front of my hotel(BY MYSELF) and had about eight mojitos . Is there anything more lonely than drinking mojito's by yourself sitting in front of a seven eleven?
So I got juiced and I and caught a taxi to a place called Club Culture. And there was a huge sign saying that you where not coming. It was laminated. You can't fault the professionalism of the Club Culture guys.
Then I was told I could get a refund or pay half price and drink free till eleven. They had free Vodka. It was coming out of this huge iceberg and being served by what looked like a lost Japanese boy band. Again props to CC.
The problem with going to clubs by yourself Derrick is that it makes you feel vaguely creepy. Kinda like those middle aged men that go to Schoolies week. Like I was just skulking around waiting for "good times" to get a Little drunk so I could slip it some rohypnol. I would say this magnified when there is no good reason to be there (For Example: Derrick Carter)
The club was empty until about eleven(I got there at nine). I was guzzling down that iceberg juice like you would not believe. I was so drunk I would just begin laughing at myself like a madman.
Oh by the way good job with your replacement. He was some dutch guy I had never of heard who played the type of music that hated your music. I Mean really hated.It wanted to hit your music in it's stupid face.
I stayed there till about one.The whole time I was basically pretending to have fun. Like some weird nightclub spy.
I was dancing and everything.
I hope they bought it.
And then I topped it off by stopping why stopping off at some backpacker place near my hotel just in time to catch a Thai cover band play Robbie Williams epic masterpiece "Angels". And I cried and cried and cried.
I have recorded my sobbing in hopes that you could use it in your next Boompty Boomp track. It's quirky.





Love Always





Damian

PS

Buy a fucking watch .

Chuay Duay !!! Riak tam-rut Nawy !!!!!

I was reading the Bangkok Post last night which had an interesting tidbit about burglaries committed in Bangkok. Apparently ninety percent of them are committed by either Junkies, Friends or family of the victim, or construction workers from nearby sites.
As far as Thai police go they are working on incorporating some sophisticated European and American detection techniques to increase the amount of these cases they solve.

That just leaves me.

I've probably neglected to mention this but the "Hotel" I'm staying in is a construction site of sorts.The drilling begins at around 6am and just keeps on trucking until about Midnight. The noise does not really bother me too much, but this new piece of information provided by the Bangkok Post has given me cause for concern. There are construction workers in my building right now. I can hear them. RIGHT NOW.
The polite whispers of fellow guest has become the malicious scheming of painters,electricians and apprentice painters and electricians.
Every slight sound outside my door finds me scuttling under my bed in fear of some browbeaten, underpaid Thai tradie come to claim my Ipod and tobacco or worse. My Organs Maybe? It does not bare thinking about. But that all I can do. Drink my cheap Thai rum and think.
So I've decided to take some precautions.
Ive have smashed an empty bottle of rum into sharp glass shards which I have lined at the entrance to my room. The assailant (Barefoot of course) will step on these which will give me time to grab my bag and rush past him.
I have also taught myself to say "Help! Call the police!!" in perfect Thai.
Chuay Duay !!! Riak tam-rut Nawy !!!!!
I have spent hours in front of the mirror rehearsing my lines, trying to perfect the tone.
Scared but not too scared.
Authoritative but with a hint resignation that shows I am willing to negotiate(Ipod Yes. Kidney No.)
This helps me sleep at night but I'm not sure how effective it will be.
So please if you don't hear from me over the next couple of days Chuay Duay !!! Riak tam-rut Nawy !!!!!
Chuay Duay !!! Riak tam-rut Nawy !!!!!
Oh god please help.

B.F.F

Hi Guys

I know a few of you may have been worried about me. I don't know what I'm doing it's true. I have been chastised about getting a room with a fan. Apparently, next to smuggling drugs out of the country, this is the stupidest thing I could have done.
For a few dollars extra you get AC.
DUH!

Anyway I'm sure you will be happy to know that things are looking up for me at the moment.
I have made a friend . His name is Tec. And he just happens to be Tuk-Tuk driver. So not only is he a confidant and true companion , but he knows this city like the back of his hand.

For example just today, for a laugh, he and I drove around to all the best tailors in Bangkok. Top of the line blokes. No messin'. On place was call Manhattan. MANHATTAN.
I was pampered in style, shown only the best fabrics and offered a "friends" price because they all know Tec so well.
He is dreamy. And he cares about my feelings in a way that puts a lot of you to shame , I must say. He would not give up until I was rolling around Bk dressed to nines. We must have been to twenty five different tailors. It was AWESOME.

Anyway I've gotta rush off. Tec is taking me out tonight and I want to look my best. He says he going to show me a real good time.
Jealous Anyone?

Not a Fan

I've found myself a room.
It a double with private bathroom .
But the real drawcard is the fan. Oh the fan.
It's seems to take great pride in doing it's job within the very narrow parameters which it has been assigned . That is to say it spins around.
The problem is that it is unnervingly polite about it. It quitely nudges the air around the room. Gently Massages it to as if to lull it to sleep. It does not want to upset the hot stuffy air you see. That, my friend , would not be cricket.
There is something fascinating about it refusal to to make my room any cooler. It is Steadfast.
I have been watching it for the last hour(lying on my bed with a headache) trying to figure out weather it just very mild mannered or suffering from some sort of mechanical senelity.
You have to admire it though.
It spins around.

HOLLYWOOD!!!

I would like everyone to call me Hollywood from now on.

It was the term of endearment used by the thai policeman that fined me 500 baht (bargained down from 1000)for throwing my ciggeratte butt on the ground. As in:

"Hollywood , Mr Hollywood , Big Shot Australian does not need to follow thai rules"

He said this after seeing my Swinburne student card. For some reason that brought my aggorance back home for him. I think He had his suspcions earlier, but my god , when he saw that card it all made sense.

Hollywood.

Mr Hollywood.

Big Shot.

Speak English!!!

My first day in Thailand and I'm not really sure wether me and the thai people get along. It's not thier fault. Im just a hard nut to crack.
This wierd kind of lazy insanity seems to rule the day here. No one seems to really know what thier doing and chaos prevails .
There is this thing where everyone seems really busy and charged but at the same time you can not take two steps without seeing some thai dudes shooting the shit.
Those scooters scare the shit out of me.
The air smells like fish smoke .
Also Rubbish.
And Rats.
The street food rules but I'm afraid to ask for the really wierd stuff.
They laugh at me whenever I ask for anything too strange and for some reason just give me chicken and rice.
I've made promises to tailors and hotels. I find myself committed to Tuk-Tuk rides sometime in the future.
I really dont know what I'm doing.
Help.